Junxu likes to stand on the city walls and look at the thousands of lights below. The city is under her protection, peaceful and happy. In the morning, the mist surrounds the city, and in the evening, the smoke from the chimneys drifts away.
She never imagined that the most desired peace and happiness would come from her, even though this happiness still has nothing to do with her. She sits on the high city wall, her robes flying about.
Feng Qinshen walks up slowly, and from a distance he sees the person who is full of loneliness and calm in his eyes. He suddenly wonders how long she has been alone like this. How long does it take for a person to get used to being alone, looking far away at the warm lights? Between heaven and earth, the stars and the candlelight reflect each other like waves. The red dust rising in the night seems like rolling waves, and she, detached from the dust, her figure seems to melt into the boundless night.
He walked over gently, put his arms around her waist, Junxu didn’t turn around, and leaned back quietly
‘What are you looking at?‘
’The stars are a guide, the lights are waiting.‘
’Well, someone in this city is waiting for you too.‘
’Someone is waiting for me? Yes, but not in the city.‘
Feng Qin didn’t say anything, quietly holding Jun Xu in his arms. Her long hair floated gently, and Jun Xu caught a strand and wrapped it around her fingertips.
’If you don’t understand the meaning of peace, you might still leave your hometown like I did when I was a teenager, searching for the true meaning of life.’
Feng Qin’s hands were interlocked on Junxu’s belly, the warmth
‘What was Junxu like when he was a teenager?’
Junxu couldn’t help but raise the corners of his mouth
‘Arrogant, proud, indifferent, with all the characteristics of teenagers in my era. In a peaceful world, striving to break the rules and pursue the intensity of life, what about you?’
‘Born into a famous family, stubborn and proud’
Junxu slowly covered Feng Qin’s hand
“If I had met you earlier’
‘What if?‘
The woman in his arms let out a soft sigh
’What if you had never changed your family, and I had never met you.‘
Feng Qin rested his side against Jun Xu’s shoulder
’I can’t tell what’s true and what’s not about what you do and say.‘
’…
Jun Xu.‘
’Mm.‘
’Do you love me?‘
’…Love you…‘
’What do you love about me?’
‘I love you. It wasn’t easy to survive.‘
’How was it not easy? Can Junxu tell?‘
’Yes.‘
’How do you know?‘
Junxu tilted his head slightly.
’I left my hometown at that time and went to my master’s door. My master was a famous master of swordplay and fighting. Of course, he was also a famous leader of the underworld. I just followed him around like an idiot and managed to become his disciple.’
‘I was happy to have stepped from the peaceful world into hell, and finally found a life of intensity.‘
’Later, during training, Zou Yi, Feng Yuan and I were ambushed on the border between China and Vietnam.‘
Junxu shut up, her eyes a little unfocused, and Feng Qin shook her
’And then?‘
’Then, I was a little excited, very excited, thinking that I had finally found an extraordinary life course and could start rampaging the world step by step.‘
’That time… there were a lot of people, a lot of people.’
‘There was rainforest everywhere, it was dark and damp, I didn’t know if it was mud or blood, the ground was soft underfoot, I tripped over something, I didn’t know if it was a tree root or a corpse‘
’I ran as far as I could, but there was no-one around, I wanted to turn back but I was afraid‘
’I wanted to go forward but I was afraid, so I crouched down under a tree root, imagining that I was having a nightmare and that when I woke up I would see the snow-white ceiling of my bedroom’
‘Every minute felt like an hour. I don’t know how long it took. In the darkness came the screams of Zouyi being humiliated by a group of people. I plugged my ears, curled up as tightly as I could, and prayed that all their attention would be on her.
“Later, the sound gradually faded until dawn. My whole body was numb and cold. Rain fell through my hair and onto the ground. I knew for the first time that tears were so hot, and I was such a despicable person.
‘The rainforest was so big, the sky was covered, and there was no way forward. I didn’t dare to move forward, so I carefully went back to find them.‘
’Where I was ambushed, all that was left were dead bodies. I don’t know how many died at my hands. I rummaged around, and I realized Zouyi was gone. Fengyuan still had a breath left. I was ecstatic. I bandaged his wounds and carried him forward on my back.’
‘It was a dying person, and for someone who was scared out of their wits, it was all very meaningful.‘
’In the rainforest, there was nothing to eat, and I had stomach cramps, but I still didn’t dare let Fengyuan die. I was afraid that he would die, but Fengyuan still died. It was such a big forest, full of wild animals, strange insects, leeches, rotten mud, and the possibility of running into people who were ambushing others. Even if Fengyuan died, I still had to carry him and talk to him.’
‘I was afraid I would lose consciousness and go crazy, but in a small wooden house in the rainforest, I heard them talking about Zouyi. Hiding in the basement, I looked at Zouyi and saw her big black eyes. I was shaking with fear, but she didn’t say anything.’
‘I ate Fengyuan’s flesh, mixed with mud, I don’t know if it was soft or hard, the fishy smell rushed from my mouth to my forehead, two days later, I stole Zouyi, carrying her on my back, I climbed out for I don’t know how far, I met Li Shuliang‘
’Later, I rebelled against my family, unfortunately, happiness and love, I could only give to others, I couldn’t feel it at all‘
’Later, my personality split into two extremes’
‘If I were still alive, no matter what my means, I would have to be tolerant in my heart, otherwise, I would be the first to deserve to die.‘
’Happiness is in other people. If I still want to have anything to do with it, I have to find a way to make it manifest in other people. If I want happiness, I have to look at it from afar, touch it, and smell it.‘
’So, when I saw you, I was envious that you could still have feelings after what happened. I always looked at you, watching you in the dark, and you were able to bloom a flower.’
‘I no longer have the love of an ordinary person. What I can give you is everything I have. Feng Qin, you want everything from such a person… Is that disgusting?’
Human skin
is like this. Junxu believed that she had fallen flat again in Feng Qin’s heart. Now, she had definitely become a ghost, hadn’t she?
But it didn’t matter. If a person constantly hovered on the edge of madness, then she was almost as good as a ghost, wasn’t she? Although she did her best to suppress her bloody expectations with reason, she could no longer tell from the bottom of her heart whether there was an insurmountable gap between humans and food.
The love of others has given her a human skin, and she walks the world wearing this human skin. God knows how important this human skin is to her, but unfortunately, it seems that countless people now want to pierce it, which makes Junxu very angry.
The nature underneath that human skin is not something she likes either, of course, sometimes instinct is not controlled by a person, and destruction and killing will completely release all her negative emotions, and then bring about even more serious negative effects.
Hell is not necessarily underground; it can also be on earth, in the uncontrollable heart.
On that trip to the rainforest, she had already died. As a ghost who refused to leave the world, she used all the emotions she could to warm her cold body, balancing the huge differences between the inside and outside with an incomprehensible tolerance and peace.
With this memory of reincarnation, could she consider herself to be a fierce ghost from the beginning? A fierce ghost who came to a place where there was not enough energy to continue her disguise.
Junxu’s eyes were a little confused. In that case, how much passion could she still release from this layer of human skin?
Repressed and impatient, she was desperate enough to gamble everything on Feng Qin, with little hope. She wasn’t gambling on love, but on her qualification as a human being. With her skin removed, how could she face herself? Death was the best way out.
In the world, there are many things that cannot be done for any reason, such as cannibalism.
Feng Qin’s hand did not let go, but Jun Xu could not feel it. Her fingernails dug into Feng Qin’s hand, and Feng Qin just hugged her silently.
What would happen if she died again? Cai Han lived, Xiao Ran lived, and maybe Feng Qin lived too. Would she then take all this warmth and become a gentle person again?
Maybe next time, she would just let the sound of her teeth chewing her friend’s flesh fade into the dust.
Junx subconsciously relaxed her whole body. Some people have the habit of forgetting the more horrible, embarrassing, and painful things, but she did the opposite. She liked to relive them over and over again, playing them back slowly, until she could do it in front of others without shame. She would reminisce in the dark until those things were embedded in her soul and became a part of her. This helped her become stronger. Of course, strong medicine usually hurts the body, which also helped her become abnormal.
A breeze swept through the bamboo flute at her waist, making a soft sound. Junxu shuddered.
‘It hurts, why don’t you make a sound?’
Feng Qin stubbornly held her in his arms without saying a word. Backwards, he could hold Junxu away from the city wall; forwards, he could push her off the tower. But he did nothing, just holding her tightly.
Junxu let him hold her. She looked up at the sky and the moonlight. Had she fallen in love with this man? Did this man love her? She didn’t know. What is love? In this world, is it impossible for anyone to live without the other? Did she and Feng Qin have any reason to be unwavering? She did her best to find a way out, to add a touch of colour to the end of this dead end.
She looked at this numb heart and wondered if it could still feel. Perhaps only a heart-rending pain could make her feel alive again.